polka dots...

So, tomorrow is church day. For the last couple of weeks Zach has been asking to wear his polka dotted tie to church. First, how many boys want to wear polka dots, second - a tie? Well, Zach marches to the beat of his own drummer and I'm just a member of the band. So I have been putting him off. Part of it is because I simply forget until the clothes are already picked out and we are running to get ready in time. The other part, I have finally figured out, is that he wore this tie, this whole outfit, once - at Gramma's funeral. It has been 4 1/2 months and I'm stuck on the tie. That was the first time he wore a tie and it is ingrained in my mind. I remember the day she died, going with the family to pick out the handsome new clothes the boys would wear, how proud I thought she would be to see them dressed up, how I felt like I had to hold it together until everything was done. The pictures outside were awesome thanks to Bob, only it was a funeral, not a wedding.

Tomorrow will be polka dot tie day...less than 12 hours from now. It will be difficult, but, in the words of those who believe what I long to, God will pull me through...

Let's see how that goes.

the big questions....part 1 of what I feel like is a million

So religion is called faith. It implies that there are things you just have to accept and believe despite their lack of physical presence. I get that. Well, I get that in theory anyway. I struggle so much with that though. Think of it this way...I grew up learning the 9 planets in the solar system, wrote reports, made dioramas, etc. Then, in my 30's, the big announcement is that Pluto isn't really a planet. My papers are lies, if I still had my diorama it would have to be set off balance by removing the last little planet, the cool planet, the one named after a Disney character. How sad. Now, I saw pictures, but I never actually went to Pluto, I was just supposed to believe in Pluto.

Back to God. I am supposed to believe in God. The evidence is based in magical powers (everyone knows that magic is just illusions). And the kicker for me is that when good things happen it seems that prayers have been answered, but when bad things happen it was all part of God's plan. How convenient! Reminds me of my 4 year old. When he drinks his juice up he says I did good, I finished it up all by myself. However, when he decides to dump it over (on purpose) it was an accident. We make excuses for bad and sing praises for good.

This week marked 10 years that my brother in law's 9 year old daughter died because of a brain tumor. Was that really necessary? I never had the pleasure of meeting her, but I know she touched many lives...was someone so special really done here on Earth? Did the family not pray enough? Why is she gone? In the news today, a death row inmate dies at the age of 94...been in jail for most of the past 80 years for several murders. Why was he here so much longer than Tara?

I understand the concept of faith, but all faith requires something to stand on, some basis. I am having a hard time trying to find the perch to leap from....

Ash Wednesday

So tomorrow (today really) is Ash Wednesday. I'm not really sure what that is, but I'm going to an extra church service tomorrow evening and I will try to come home with a greater understanding. Here is what I know so far...

-It has to do with the saying ashes to ashes and dust to dust...something like we came from ashes and return to such (humbling maybe?)

-A reminder of the fact that Jesus died on the cross

-Someone puts ashes on your forehead typically...(symbolic of the ashes to ashes thing, a remembrance that Jesus died on the cross for us, and to let others know you are Christian and proud of it.)

-The beginning of Lent (something to do with giving up something for 40 days...when exactly does it end, Easter?)

That's about it. So here goes Ash Wednesday...I'll let you know what I learned.