and counting....

8.5 hours into surgery and still going. is this where i am supposed to be thankful to God that he is alive? sorry, but right now i wish he was having a beer on a warn hawaiian beach chilling with his family, especially someone named michael patrick on st patrick's day. but instead a team of dr's have his head opened up and are cutting a tumor out of his brain.

people say things that happen teach us lessons, make us stronger, help us grow, etc.. what lesson am i supposed to get from a 40 year old air force man being cut open to remove a large mass while his parents, wife, children, siblings, etc sit nervously around the country? i don't see that this will make him or i stronger...just sleepier in my case as i stay up waiting for news.

oh, and to make matters worse, a colleague of mine lost her mom today. she was suffering and the family was ready to let her go, but did i really need those thoughts of death drudged up today? really? i know, i know, it isn't all about me...only it is. as i sit here with these thoughts it IS my life being impacted, my thoughts being invaded, and supposedly my lesson to learn. can i just have a textbook please with an example and a couple of written practice problems to make it clear? i was never this lost in school...

stay strong mike...
and love and support to gail and family...
missing you gramma on one of your favorite days...i'll never forget plastic necklaces, kettle corn, and silly parade souvenirs for the kiddos. 5 1/2 months...forever ago and yesterday all at once.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

equal

I love how Gramma loved everyone equally, to a fault almost. Sometimes I just wanted to say don't you see it? But maybe she did see it...maybe she loved people more unconditionally than many of us are capable of. Maybe just being was enough for her, faults and all...Why can't we all see it that way?

Perreault's Peak...or something like that.

There was a time not so long ago when I didn't even think about going to church on Sunday, where church wasn't even a part of my thought process, where I could easily go my entire day on Sunday, or any other day, without a fleeting thought about church, God, or religion. Gramma was around those days. Now it seems I can't go a day without thinking about all of the aforementioned. How does one change so quickly? I just can't explain. I don't think I believe any more than I did those days, I just look for more. I've become unsatisfied with the answers and the questions and am an eager explorer. I guess this is how science comes about and new lands are discovered...eager explorers unsatisfied with the accepted truth trudge forward through adversity, mocking, treacherous conditions, and their own uncertainties. I am an explorer, though I don't believe I will make the history books. I just may rewrite my own.

praying

I prayed today...for Mike and for Carol, and for someone I don't know that someone I do know said needed prayers. I couldn't decide whether to pray for their physical health or their spiritual health...I went with spiritual so I couldn't be mad if God didn't answer. I hope he takes care of them physically too.