equal

I love how Gramma loved everyone equally, to a fault almost. Sometimes I just wanted to say don't you see it? But maybe she did see it...maybe she loved people more unconditionally than many of us are capable of. Maybe just being was enough for her, faults and all...Why can't we all see it that way?

Perreault's Peak...or something like that.

There was a time not so long ago when I didn't even think about going to church on Sunday, where church wasn't even a part of my thought process, where I could easily go my entire day on Sunday, or any other day, without a fleeting thought about church, God, or religion. Gramma was around those days. Now it seems I can't go a day without thinking about all of the aforementioned. How does one change so quickly? I just can't explain. I don't think I believe any more than I did those days, I just look for more. I've become unsatisfied with the answers and the questions and am an eager explorer. I guess this is how science comes about and new lands are discovered...eager explorers unsatisfied with the accepted truth trudge forward through adversity, mocking, treacherous conditions, and their own uncertainties. I am an explorer, though I don't believe I will make the history books. I just may rewrite my own.

praying

I prayed today...for Mike and for Carol, and for someone I don't know that someone I do know said needed prayers. I couldn't decide whether to pray for their physical health or their spiritual health...I went with spiritual so I couldn't be mad if God didn't answer. I hope he takes care of them physically too.

missing my fix

I have a migraine and I didn't go to church today. So I'm laying on the couch wondering what's happening in church. First, it's the last Sunday of the month, so I missed the pick a hymn. People shout out hymns and everyone sings them for the 10 minutes before church starts. Ughhh. I really like that. Next, I missed the regular hymns. I really do go to church for the hymns, or some of them anyway. I like the singing. I wonder who the acolyte was. It is cute to see the little kids up there doing their part in the service. Did the bells play? Did the choir do an anthem with the piano? What were the readings? What was the sermon about? I missed so much. I feel like I'm back in college and was out of classes sick for a week...so much to catch up on. I missed the lessons. I'm already 30 years behind, I can't miss another week!

And I made cookies for Pastor Chuck, but not going means I didn't bring them. And I can't go to church next week. Oh how I hate headaches...the things I miss give me more headaches.

games

Had a great time yesterday at game night at church. We went, armed with a couple of games, to play some games with some other people. Bambi had a nice set up of snacks, which Zach especially loved! Christopher played a LEGO creator game that was really awesome with a couple of kids who live off cape (their grandmother goes to the church). I tried to get the game off ebay or amazon, but it is many years old and now sells for about $200...not in my budget! Then I finally learned how to play the Mexican Train Game, a domino game I've heard about for years, but never knew how to play. We ate some pizza and kept playing.

The thing about it is that it was really nice. Some forced time to just forget about cleaning the house or doing errands and instead play games with the kids. And to do it in the church with a nice group of people, most of whom we didn't know, added to the fun. This is one of the reasons I wanted to come to church...the community aspect of it. We had some good wholesome fun that the kids looked forward to for a week. And as much as I didn't feel like dragging myself out, I'm glad I went.

the next step

I have decided to join the church. It was always something I was thinking about doing, but now it is something I am doing, not because my peers are, not because it is the right thing to do, but because I want to. Because I have come to a new place in my religious discoveries wherein I can now say that just because I belong doesn't mean I agree or believe in everything. Look at marriage for example. No one would be married if the rule was that you have to agree with a partner 100%. What you do is find someone with whom you have some similarities and with whom you can respect despite differences. And then get ready because the dirty socks that you thought weren't so bad start to pile up... Anyway, I am now prepared. I know my partner, although I believe we will both continue to grow and change, and I am willing to make a commitment. I am ready to love and embrace, as well as be frustrated and angered by my official association with religion.

Funny how things happen...I used to drag Bob to church on special occasions. Then, when I started going regularly in October, I decided to drag the kids instead. (They were lighter to toss in the car seat!) So we went a few times. Then Bob decided to come too...a few times. Someone asked him to be an usher for the last week in January and he said yes...(he's a sucker for the older ladies!) On the way home he says to me, "That wasn't so bad." Hmm I thought. Then I'm making lunch and he says, "You know, if they were ever, um, shorthanded, and um, needed someone to fill in, I wouldn't mind doing that." HA. HA. HA!
He liked it! I giggled silently. When I told him I was going to join the church, I asked if he wanted to. He said sure. I HATE that word coming from him. It can mean absolutely, not really, if that's what you really want, I guess so, etc. And I don't take things at face value nearly enough so I spends days and hours pondering the hidden meaning. This time, however, I did not. Yeah me! I decided I would figure it out later. He has decided though, and he is going to join too. This will be really special for us I think, especially considering we didn't even get married in a church.

Oh and my sister is joining too! And we are all doing it on Easter.

polka dots...

So, tomorrow is church day. For the last couple of weeks Zach has been asking to wear his polka dotted tie to church. First, how many boys want to wear polka dots, second - a tie? Well, Zach marches to the beat of his own drummer and I'm just a member of the band. So I have been putting him off. Part of it is because I simply forget until the clothes are already picked out and we are running to get ready in time. The other part, I have finally figured out, is that he wore this tie, this whole outfit, once - at Gramma's funeral. It has been 4 1/2 months and I'm stuck on the tie. That was the first time he wore a tie and it is ingrained in my mind. I remember the day she died, going with the family to pick out the handsome new clothes the boys would wear, how proud I thought she would be to see them dressed up, how I felt like I had to hold it together until everything was done. The pictures outside were awesome thanks to Bob, only it was a funeral, not a wedding.

Tomorrow will be polka dot tie day...less than 12 hours from now. It will be difficult, but, in the words of those who believe what I long to, God will pull me through...

Let's see how that goes.