home

home. home sweet home. home is where the heart is. or so they say...

What is home? I suppose it can be many things. The cape is my home. My house is my home. Home is the place where everybody knows your name.

My grandmother passed away on October 2nd, 2009. She was the last of my grandparents to go, so I guess, being in my 30's I should be lucky I had her that long. Sometimes I do feel that way, but sometimes I just can't get there. She was more than Gramma to me, although I can't tell you exactly what that means, I just know there isn't a word big enough to hold the place she has in my heart.

I saw her often, called even more, helped when I could. I don't have that guilt many get when they know they missed out. But I am missing out and have been for over 4 months. So I guess that is why I started to blog. Because I started a journey...a journey to her and a journey to the pumpkins.

No, she didn't have a special affinity for pumpkins, just for a certain little pumpkin field on a hill in front of a little white church. And it wasn't the pumpkins, it was the keepers and sellers of the pumpkins and all they stood for. She was a member of the church on the hill that sold the pumpkins every year. She was a member in a full sense, a proud sense, and a loving sense.

The church was her family, well her other family, equally large and loving. After her passing I went to her house a few times...just doesn't seem right without her in it...seemed more lonely knowing she wouldn't walk through the door with the groceries or come down the hall with the curlers in her hair. I went to church once though, just to sit in her pew, be with her friends, and take it in. I found comfort within that church on the hill, and so I've gone back. I hold her hymnal (I'm just borrowing) and listen for the sound of the cough drop opening, I smile at the choir and delight in the little acolytes. I am not her, but I feel her within me, like I almost am her, as I sit there. (She would never giggle with my sister in the middle of the service however!)

So this is my journey to the pumpkins, to find and understand God. I certainly need all the help I can get with this one!